Hannah Montana: The Movie

Release date: Out Now

Formats: PC, PS3, XBOX 360

Price: £23.99

UK, June 26^th 2009 – God, I love power. It gives me a fat, densely-veined horn. I would piss all over my grandmother if she saluted me in return.

If you’ve ever wanted to hear these words spoken by Hannah Montana, you should buy this game immediately.

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Filed under: Dubious Reviews | 20 Comments »

So, you’re working a 9-to-5 job. You live some miles away from your workplace and are contemplating how to commute. You have three choices: you can get a bus, you can drive, or you can fling yourself into the road and wait for your life to be snuffed out by a cunt in a Toyota.

I chose the third option, and I have never looked back. Mainly because it would scare the shit out of me.

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Filed under: Fun non-gaming activities | 23 Comments »

Have you ever cheated at a computer game? No? Then you’re a liar as well as a cheat, and you will never marry my daughter. This article is a memoir of my own personal history of dishonesty, so if you’re a despicable shifty bastard like me, then crack open your flatmate’s beer, pull up a “borrowed” chair, and we’ll begin.

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Filed under: Gaming nostalgia | 10 Comments »

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Filed under: Gaming nostalgia | 16 Comments »

Hello again and welcome back. It’s been seven months since the last update; all I can say is that some shits just can’t be rushed.

Today I want to talk to you about being alone. Really, truly alone. So put on some My Chemical Romance and get comfortable.

In terms of fatness, though, these markers are reversed.

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Filed under: Addiction | 26 Comments »

My next article is going to be a short story, about 5 to 6 thousand words long. It will of course be vaguely retarded, and will feature computer game characters in frankly hilarious situations.

I’m thinking it’ll be a million times better with some occasional illustrations, so if you’re the artistic type and fancy helping out with a few sketches, please email me.

I don’t make any money out of this site so can’t pay you, but you will of course get full credit and a link back to your own site if you have one, plus my eternal gratitude, which as usual will be expressed using graphic photos of my penis.

I’m hoping to upload the story by the end of next week; I’ll send you what I’ve got if you’re interested.

Filed under: Site news | 10 Comments »

What was that thing I just fell off?

Oh. It was a wagon.

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Filed under: Games | 20 Comments »

This is because I’ve taken on a commission to write a soundtrack for a short film, which is hell of awesome, but it does mean I’ll have my hands full for the next few weeks. I’ll be back in early September with a brand new Dubious Review. See you then!

Filed under: Site news | 13 Comments »

When you decide to give up games, you need some affirmative advice to help you through the bad times. The first thing self-help books tell you is that computer games can’t offer anything that real life doesn’t.

This is so fucking true.

If you make an effort, you can fill real life with all the things you used to love doing in computer games, and you’ll feel a genuine sense of achievement too! So why not put on your Reality Pants and fire up a session of Real Life: The Ultimate Adventure Game.

Remember, this is a feel-good exercise, intended to show you that there’s always a positive way you can look at any situation. So read on, and get ready to smile!

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Filed under: Addiction | 16 Comments »

Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight is the Batman film we’ve all been waiting for. It’s got everything. Well, almost. In this exclusive script excerpt, we show you what this film could have been like, if only it had grown some BALLS.

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Filed under: Blog-exclusive humour | 14 Comments »