This is the second part of the article. For part 1, click here.

This list, found at Diablofans.com, tells the story of hell in 600 installments. Intended to catalogue the signs that you are addicted to Blizzard’s popular PC role-playing game Diablo 2, it begins as a light-hearted jibe at addiction, yet quickly becomes a window into the darkness of men’s souls. If you are brave or foolish enough to stare into the abyss, then read on, friend. Read on and despair.

294. You realize that the assassin’s ass is nice

Once again, the immaturity of this list disappoints and astounds me. This is supposed to be a thoughtful and sober exploration of addiction, yet time and time again we creep sordidly back to sex. How sad. This is compounded by the fact that the assassin’s ass is actually not that nice. It’s low-resolution, there aren’t enough frames of animation, and the pallid skin tone may be to some people’s tastes, but certainly not mine.

These people need to get a life.

324. You go to your friend who is black and say “Hey Paladin” (not being racist)

Just to clarify here, the Paladin is the only black character in the game.

326. You paint a red bar on a slab of wood and when you punch someone, you paint black on it to represent a health bar.

Useful, but impractical. To replicate an enemy’s health bar in real life, you would need to hold this piece of wood directly above his head while punching him with your other hand. You would also have to pause after every punch in order to paint some more black on the piece of wood. This would have the following consequences:

• You would lose every fight you ever engaged in, and would become the laughing stock of your school or workplace, derided by all of your teachers, managers and erstwhile friends.

• You would probably get paint on your hand.

Therefore, the person who wrote this entry is either lying about having done this, or he has a really painty hand. Either way, I do not wish to know him.

390. You become president and you give all military swords and shields and make them go to Mt Everest thinking its Harrogath

Rubbish. A president would never be able to re-arm the military in such a dramatic fashion because of the vested financial interests of the arms industry. There is much less money in swords and shields than in high-tech laser bombs of the future, and in addition, it is very likely that existing arms contracts could not be cancelled until their stated tenures were fulfilled.

This entry is extremely immature and shows a disturbing ignorance of modern politics.

392. You are afraid of going outside because you are making cookies and Baal and his minions are outside wanting some

In the un-modded version of the game, Baal does not steal the player’s cookies, preferring instead to cover the world in a swathe of unimaginable evil. Therefore, even if Baal were outside your window, it is unlikely that he would intend to steal your delicious baked goods; he would probably just want to kill you and defecate on your corpse. This faulty logic is dangerous, and it’s what gives gamers a bad name.

Plus Baal doesn’t exist.

414. u drink B-52, Blue Kamikazes, Red Death’s n think your gaining life/mana (they are alcoholic drinks) :nooob

I despise this entry because it reminds me of how old I am, and how young everyone else who plays this game is.

The writer, for example, is fourteen years old, and has only ever been drunk on the contents of his parents’ liquor cabinet. Plus they caught him and grounded him for a month, during which he was unable to play Diablo 2. Two of his characters lapsed, losing him an eBOTD, a SOJ, a HOTO, a full IK, and various other acronyms that are all short for “virgin”.

There’s one upside to being so old, of course, which is that I can buy my own beer, and then I can get drunk and look at porn.

Yeah. That’s right. Not so pathetic now, am I.

421. You think a fat woman walking to the opera in a fur coat is Treehead Woodfist (Brute)

This entry isn’t too egregious on its own; after all, Treehead Woodfist is an eight-foot ogre covered in dense mats of hair, and therefore looks exactly like a fat woman walking to the opera. However, the entry is followed swiftly by this one:

424. You see Oprah Winfrey on T.V. (when she was fat) and immediately you think…She looks like Treehead Woodfist (Brute)

What the hell has this person got against opera?! Not content with dissing anyone who should choose to patronise this fine art form, he now starts laying into a celebrity just because her name sounds similar to the oeuvre he so despises. This man has some serious personal issues; issues that have nothing to do with Treehead Woodfist. Treehead is just a pawn in this sad weirdo’s personal war, and I feel bad for him.

Or is it because Oprah is black? Yeah, Paladin Guy, I know it’s you.

425. When in chemisty class you are making a green liquid and when the glass midget comes in the room you throw it at him/her hoping the liquid will explode and kill the damn fallen.

Oh, so we’re ragging on midgets now as well, are we? Is no creed or race safe from your hate? Well, buddy, I sure hope the green liquid was Créme De Menthe, otherwise you have a serious felony on your hands, and I will not be there to pull your ass out of the fire when it’s time to reap that whirlwind.

450. While riding the subway you mimic the monster sounds (Rakanishu,Brutes, Zombies etc…) and the people around you look at you like wtf is your problem. True story: I did that and this girl was laughing at me. But I got her phone number and alot more from her

Yes, you also got a generous amount of mace followed by a thoughtfully penned restraining order. Seriously, I hate it when people try to pretend as if they have had sex with women. IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Never.

How can you know what you’re doing wrong if they won’t tell you.

457. When you walk on to a busy interstate and say “What do I care, this life is softcore!”

There’s nothing really wrong with this one, but I thought I would mention it because “This Life Is Softcore” is a kickass name for an album.

458. When a dog comes near you and you raise your hand hoping Armegeddon comes down on him and misses you totally… yet follows you around!

Hello Mr Animal Hater, nice to have you back! I thought we’d lost you! Moved onto dogs now, have we? Because all the cows are dead or severely traumatised? Wonderful. Your continued liberty is proof that the legal system does not work.

There are people you can talk to about this, you know. Please, seek help before more innocent ruminants die at your hands.

459). When fighting your friends you say “Time To Die” instead of something childish that you would normally say.

IT IS WRONG TO FIGHT YOUR FRIENDS.

478. You kill your brother because you thought he was Fallen One when he held up his knife (true story, was on CNN few years ago)

This entry is unacceptable. You can’t just post stuff like this without sufficient corroborative evidence. At least provide a link to the CNN story plus the transcript of the court proceedings, otherwise there’s no way your claim can be independently validated.

Show a bit of responsibility here. Young, impressionable people are reading this list while searching for a direction in life.

482. When you see blond girl with big boobs, you run away jus incase they yell at you for being close to them (hence the javazons and wf zons in 1.09 in cow rooms)

Any list point that requires an explanation in parentheses is probably not going to be a success. It’s the same as telling the following joke:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “I’d like a pint of beer please, and a mop!” He is not a janitor or anything, it’s just that when he drinks the beer, it will just pour on the floor because he has no stomach. I don’t know why he would buy the beer, maybe he was lonely and came to the pub for human interaction.

491. You develop an oblivion knight robot and a time machine, so that you can send it back to medieval times and cause melee knights to die at the hands of one of the most cheapest bastards in diablo 2

This entry is not plausible, because while magical robots are within the grasp of today’s scientists, time machines will not be invented until 2046. I’m afraid this is fact.

They will, however, be invented by an eleven-year-old who is terrified of shaving, so you have that part right.

506. You feel weriod that paladin is black (if so, ur also racist :angry)

Oh god, not Jimmy T. Blackhater again. You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Your frantic backtracking is only digging you further into the sordid rut of racism you have ploughed for yourself. Go polish your Luger, Intolerance Boy.

511. You think by smoking drugz you can increase your strength by 100

I don’t smoke drugs. I smoke FOOLS LIKE YOU.

And banana skins.

523). You think your Barb raped ur Zon.

This wouldn’t happen; although a Barbarian beats an Amazon for size and brute strength, the Amazon’s greater agility would allow her to evade his muscular, oiled grasp, leaving him howling in erect fury.

524). You want to rape ur zon.

This wouldn’t happen either; although I possess more than enough rohypnol for the job, I am unable to administer it to a computer-generated character, and Blizzard currently have no plans for a rape-based expansion pack.

525). You rape an acutal amazon.

Whooooah, Nelly! You know you’re addicted to Diablo because you go back in time and sexually abuse a member of a long-dead society? Surely there must be some other kind of indicator? Such as the fact that you play Diablo all the time?

Regardless, as I said, we all need to wait until 2046.

527) Death comes by your door and you bribe him $450 to respawn at your house

Ludicrous. Everyone knows that Death cannot be bribed. To cheat death, you must beat him at a game of skill, such as Diablo, or its popular sequel, Diablo II.

532: you wonder if the choice came and you had to fight one character class for the sake of your life, who you would choose to battle.

Oh come on. Please grow up a little.

It would obviously be the gayest character, which is the Druid.

538. You play d2 in school and library. You bet your ass I do both, not the at school thing, but my friend is trying to

I’m sorry, there appears to be some confusion in my mind as to what the word “both” means, and this is preventing me from fully understanding your entry. Perhaps you are distracted because you are too busy lying about having friends.

554. You develop a sex tab and you get a porn magazine to increase all skills in this tree (a little mature no?)

No, this is the OPPOSITE of mature.

This is UN-MATURE.

555. You think you already casted Iron Maiden on a bully so you think he will get hurt more than you!….(BIG Mistake)

It’s Poor Bullied Boy again. You never have any luck, do you. No amount of fantasising about spells and curses will mollify one iota the huge, hairy fist that slams into your nose every lunchtime, nor bring back a penny of your stolen dinner money.

If only there were a spell that lets you skip the horror of school, speeding up time until you’re at home again, with Diablo flickering on your monitor, your mug of cocoa steaming in your hands, and Patch, your little Dalmatian puppy, resting his head in your lap.

Don’t be sad, Poor Bullied Boy. Patch still loves you, even if no one else does. And while you were out, he demonstrated his love by taking a huge shit in one of your sneakers.

582. You kill your parents because they could be corrupted

…aaaaaaaaand we say goodbye to our friend, the animal-hating psychopath. After murdering the contents of several fields and lynching all of his neighbourhood pets on the same tree, he finally succumbs to the voices in his head and totals his parents with his father’s rifle before turning the gun upon himself.

You know what the saddest thing is? This was entirely due to his addiction to computer games. If he hadn’t played Diablo so goddamn much, his father wouldn’t have needed to beat him, and his mother wouldn’t have got wasted on Thunderbird every night, allowing his grades and his mental state to deteriorate to the point of disaster.

Thanks a bunch, Diablo.

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