“God dammit, Tim,” Lenny shouted, “I don’t give a rat’s poop tunnel if you’ve never heard of Metal Gear Solid before: we promised we’d publish a world exclusive review of MGS4, and that’s exactly what you’re going to deliver. Tonight.”

And with that, he stormed out.

Tim hung his head despondently. How could he possibly review a game he knew nothing about? All he had was this bunch of screenshots…

…hmmm. It was utterly retarded, but it might just work.

Metal Gear Solid 4
PS3
£39.99

This is the one we’ve all been waiting for, and you can breathe easy - it’s an absolute severed cock of a game!

 

The Story

“In the first Metal Gear Solid, he fought the Communists. In the sequel, he fought a race of alien frogs. In part 3, he battled a sentient cybernetic penis, hell-bent on the destruction of the Earth. In the fourth and final episode, his only enemy… is himself.“

If you’ve played the previous Metal Gear games, you’ll be familiar with their blend of action and harrowing psychological drama, and MGS4 continues in the same style. You play Ian Solid, ex-marine turned mercenary, who suffered the tragic loss of his penis and testicles in the Battle of Spastic Gulch. His mind never recovered. In 2032 the government issued him with a set of cybernetic junk (hence his nickname, “Metal Gear” Solid) which worked well until it gained sentience and turned against him in MGS3.

In the stirring intro, Solid lays a thousand flowers at the grave of The Unknown Scrotum.

Ten years later, and Solid is sinking into a slough of drug and alcohol addiction, unable to face life as an emasculated shell of a man. His enemies from previous games are long gone, yet a new mysterious force seems to be assembling at the corners of his vision. Dark, bio-mechanoid creatures stalk the streets, and no one seems to notice or care. Solid realises his time has come again, and decides to end this new threat – with or without the help of his team.

“Dammit Solid, I know what you’re going through. Look at me - you think it’s easy being addicted to wet cigarettes”?

Gameplay

The game is split into two distinct halves. In the first, you control Solid as he battles The Garbage Men, a force intent on turning the whole world brown, city by city. The other half of the game centres on Solid’s old team The Patriots, whose job it is to follow their hallucinating leader around the streets and try to stop him from harming himself or others.

A Garbage Man attacks. Solid’s alcohol-induced hallucinations are both tragic and hilarious.

The gameplay is spiced up by the Happiness Meter, a feature on your HUD that reflects Solid’s mental state. Suicide (and the end of the game) becomes a danger if you don’t keep it above zero. You can do this by killing imagined enemies, scoring alcohol and drugs, or by touching a man’s junk.

“You’ll get your money soon. Just… just let me hold it a minute longer.”

Tough decisions

The other half of the game is played from the perspective of Solid’s team-mates, and this is where the MGS series’ skill for mature and thoughtful characterisation shines. As Dr Elena Sexboobs, you are battling a demon of your own: you love Ian, but he is not the man he once was. Do you have him committed to a nice safe home for gibbering brainmentals, or do you stay by his side and try to guide him back to sanity, knowing that he can never fulfill you as a woman? It’s a choice you, the gamer, will have to make.

In this quicktime event, Elena must play convincingly with Solid’s imaginary child. Miss a skip, and Ian will become enraged.

Your tasks

Ian Solid’s tasks change depending on his level of inebriation. When sober, your main goal is to obtain enough money for alcohol or drugs. You can do this by begging, mugging, or renting your body to the city’s many procedurally generated sailors.

The green squares denote people whom Solid has already hit up for cash.

Once you are happily enmeshed in a narcotic haze, the hallucinations begin. This is the combat section of the game, and it can often grow frustrating as your enemies morph and teleport at will, skittering at the edges of the screen in a way that is simultaneously creepy and deeply annoying. If an enemy “kills” you, Solid dies for real. This is explained by a short cutscene showing Solid choking on his own vomit, his pants encrusted with the shame of his passing.

Worried that he might try to harm himself, Elena replaces Solid’s gun with one that shoots steam.

Another ever-present danger is that Solid will give into depression and attempt to kill himself. As Elena, your job is to command The Patriots to ensure Solid is kept as far away as possible from harmful objects, and that he is only allowed to see and hear happy things.

Elena’s worries are proved valid as Solid attempts to mow down a child. Her pocket money would have bought Scotch.

As Solid, you are given the aforementioned Happiness Meter, which you must keep above zero in order to prevent death. There’s another level of danger, however: fall below 30% and you suffer a Bad Trip, which is extremely disconcerting the first time you see it, unless you’re used to the storm drains in your town disgorging thousands of spider-legged breasts with human mouths.

Shooting an enemy’s crotch temporarily raises Solid’s Happiness Meter.

You are also given tasks to perform in order to foil the plans of The Garbage Men. These tasks are often highly illogical, in keeping with Solid’s sad mental state, and they carry with them a heavy irony: fail the tasks and your happiness meter falls to dangerous levels. Complete them, and you descend deeper into your tragic delirium.

 

Drunk again, Solid’s current mission is to throw up on a man before he falls unconscious.

Graphics

In Solid’s fevered mind, the army of Garbage Men plan to cover the entire world in a layer of powdered excrement. In keeping with this, the game is almost entirely brown, which can get boring after a while. However, the drab environments are more than made up for by Solid’s enemies: play as Elena, and you see everyday objects or creatures, but switch to Solid, and suddenly they morph into twisted monsters from his darkest nightmares.

This is actually a cocker spaniel.

A tangled web of dazzling cleverness

The genius of the game shows itself after you have completed both campaigns and can see the way in which they interlock. For example, in Mission 3, Solid’s goal is to destroy a coven of Garbage Vampires by sprinkling them with special consecrated dust. You only discover later that the dust is merely some sugar given to Solid by Elena, and the vampires are actually cakes.

The man on the left is a cherry-flavoured fondant fancy.

What I love most about MGS4, however, is the poignancy of Solid’s story. Hanging over every moment is the spectre of a huge severed penis; a penis which Solid must one day confront. Depending on your actions as Elena, the game may end in two different ways, but both conclusions are laced with tragedy. Solid must either face the terrifying reality of his barren crotch, or slide ever deeper into madness. Either way, Elena’s loins remain unpenetrated by the man she once loved so dearly. You don’t get that kind of shit in Quake.

“I’ve got you now, you sons of bit- FUCKING STEAM GUN!”

Conclusion

I have never cried while playing a game. Not until MGS4, that is. At the end of this game, I am not ashamed to say that I fell to my knees and wept; I wept for myself, for my penis, and for my planet.

I would award this title 95% were it merely a game, but MGS4 is more than that. It is a beautiful metaphor for the tragic emasculation of humanity in today’s cold, modern age. This game has the courage to stand up and say: The Garbage Men are real, and they are within us all.

This surely merits at least another 9%, don’t you think?

 

DUBIOUS REVIEW SCORE: 104%

Filed under: Dubious Reviews