One of the side effects of going cold turkey is that you start to feel irrational flushes of hatred towards anything that makes your day more difficult.

For me, this recently manifested itself in an intense hatred towards the European microstates: those pitifully tiny countries which exist only to deprive me of a 100% score in online geography quizzes.

These nations are POINTLESS and STUPID, and I am going to prove this to you, concluding each entry with a score reflecting how many of my dicks each of these idiotic principalities can, in fact, eat.

Liechtenstein

Never heard of it.

Tiny Liechtenstein forms the filling of a gay sandwich between Switzerland and Austria, and is the only remaining province of the Holy Roman Empire that once spanned The Entire Wooooooooorld*. Liechtenstein is doubly landlocked, which means that all of the countries that surround it are landlocked as well. For a Liechtensteiner, crabs and periwinkles are but the fevered dreams of a madman.

Just imagine a country where buckets and spades are never ever made of breakable yellow plastic, and all they ever shovel is earth.

I am shivering with disgust.

*this fact is bullshit.

Why I invite it to snack on my wangs

You couldn’t really get a more pointless country. It was created in 1719 solely so that the Austrian Liechtenstein family could have a seat in the Reichstag, and as an indicator of how little Jeff Liechtenstein and his descendants actually gave a poop about their beloved land, none of them even visited it for 120 years after it was created.

Liechtenstein enjoys flaunting its many dusky-eyed beauties.

How has it survived so long?

By being lucky enough not to border Germany. According to the history books, after the Holy Roman Empire collapsed, Liechtenstein avoided being integrated into the re-ordered Germany of the 1870s because “no one could be twatted with the place”.

Dickclusion

I must grudgingly admit that they’ve done one thing worth remembering. After World War II, Liechtenstein granted asylum to a contingent of Russians who had fought on the side of Germany during the war. We English, in contrast, deported all our asylum seekers to Russia, where they were promptly sent to the Gulag and killed. Go Britain.

For this reason, while it remains a howlingly pointless country, I am only going to suggest that Liechtenstein consume two of my manhoods.

San Marino

Name’s vaguely familiar…

San Marino, a minuscule mouthful of the Italian Apennine mountains in Italy, was founded in 301 AD by Saint Marinus of Rab, a Christian bishop fleeing the persecution of Rome. With God’s help, Marinus built a republic that would be an enduring bastion of inspiration to all the world’s repressed peoples. And be five miles wide.

One can only hope all the world’s repressed peoples do not attempt to move there at the same time, or none of them will be able to sit down.

In addition to creating a haven free of religious persecution, Marinus did have a slight ulterior motive for founding the country, since he was also fleeing the persecution of a woman claiming to be his wife. Christian eulogies are somewhat muted on this point.

The head of a Vileda Supermop provides surprisingly good ballistic protection.

Oh, San Marino! The place with the Grand Prix, right?

Uh… no, not really. The San Marino Grand Prix is actually held in Imola, Italy. Obviously. Just like the Indy 500 is held in Milwaukee, and the London Marathon takes place on Mars. Do you know nothing of sport?

Then you have something in common with the Sammarinese, since their national soccer team is ranked joint worst in the entire world. Their international record is one of unmitigated shitstormery, with over 70 defeats and only one victory. Their sense of taste is little better: in the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, San Marino gave its highest score to Great Britain. Which came joint last.

According to Google Image Search, this cat is from San Marino.

How has it survived so long?

Because it is so useful! After all, it pays a whopping 0.002% of UN’s annual fees: that’s £1 for every £50,000 spent. In real terms, when the UN buys a new hummer for delivering aid to war-torn cities, San Marino pays for the fluffy dice.

Speaking of war, San Marino does have one saving grace: they are the only remaining country whose army is equipped with crossbows. Fucking crossbows. Oh, and they’re the oldest uninterrupted republic in the world and have stood unconquered in the name of democracy for 1700 years and their army uses fucking crossbows.

Also, they have two heads of state. San Marino may be pissy, but at least they’ve got one more president than America.

Dickclusion

As much as this country gets on my nerves, the crossbows alone are enough to mollify two fifths of my junk. Yeah, I’m an incurable romantic.

Andorra

Isn’t that a kind of sweater?

If it were, it would be a sweater 2.5 times the size of Washington DC, with room to fit 71,000 people. In other words, the kind of sweater my grandmother would knit. This particular cosy overgarment straddles the mountainous border between France and Spain, where it tries its best to be as inaccessible as possible so that no one can be arsed invading it.

At 18 miles wide, Andorra is the least physically ridiculous of our pocket principalities, but that still doesn’t protect it from the insistent nudging of my scrota, mainly because the place is so pathetic. It’s been around since pre-Roman times and was declared a free state by Charlemagne in the 9^th century, yet it still pays a yearly feudal tribute to France and Spain. Perhaps the reason Andorra has never grown a set of balls is that there simply wouldn’t be room for them.

About.com handily provides a free blank outline of Andorra. This is possibly the most useful JPEG ever created.

Why it craves a deep-filled knob sandwich

If the world were a school, Andorra would be the Invisible Kid who says nothing, has no friends and is never remembered. When WWI ended, the Versailles treaty failed to include Andorra because everyone had forgotten it existed, with the result that Andorra tried to declare war on Germany in 1939 only to discover that it already had.

In 1957 Andorra wisely decided that its army (consisting of 10 people, with a budget of 4 dollars per year for ceremonial blanks) would not be needed by the Allies, and declared a ceasefire. The Allies were not too devastated by this, having already won the war twelve years previously.

Nowadays, Andorra relies on tourism and dirty money to survive. It has notoriously louche tax laws, making it a haven for dodgy businessmen, formula 1 racing drivers, and me when Operation Orphanage is complete.

The Andorra-style sink. The most interesting thing ever to have come out of this country.

How has it survived so long?

Because it may well be a coven of evil. Andorra has zero unemployment, which is an intensely suspicious figure, and to add to the intrigue, National Geographic lists Andorran life expectancy as “N/A”, which raises the distinct possibility that the Andorrans are all gainfully employed as vampires.

The tourism website states that ten million people visit Andorra every year. But it doesn’t say if any of them ever leave.

Yeah, it’s pretty. Pretty FULL OF VAMPIRES.

Dickclusion

I am loath to be over-critical of Andorra, for the very good reason that vampires can fucking fly, and I value my haemoglobin.

Also, you’ve got to love a country that eschews a standing army because France has guaranteed to protect it. Now that is cojones.

Monaco

Ahhhh, that ritzy bachelor pad of continental glamour!

Quite.

Monaco means “single house”, which is a fair summation of the size of the place. This miserly scrap of land hanging off the southeast coast of France is the number one destination for celebrities who need to get drunk while wearing large hats. The Grimaldi family has ruled continuously since 1292, when Francois “The Malicious” led the capture of the rock of Monaco while dressed as a Franciscan monk. His malice probably stemmed from subsequent feelings of inadequacy regarding the size of his kingdom.

Albert, Monaco’s current prince, spends the day bumming around in a nerdy fleece. HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, MAN.

The population of Monaco is 32,000, making it the most densely populated country in the world. However, there is surely room in there for an extra dick; perhaps even five.

Why its diet ought to be more penis-centric

The geographical pissyness of this country cannot be overstated. It’s a mere two miles long, and that’s measured from end to end. There are several points where you could walk from France, through Monaco, and right to the sea in a mere two hundred metres. And this is an independent sovereign country we’re talking about, with, like, passports and ‘ting. Plus its lack of standing army means it could be invaded by a gaggle of drunk supermodels using their hats as weapons.

How has it survived so long?

The answer, of course, is greed. Monaco is yet another tax haven, and its most successful industry is its casino, which is notorious for money laundering. Yes, it is becoming abundantly clear why these microstates are still permitted to exist, and it’s not because everyone likes small things because they’re cute.

2006: All the dirty money in Monaco is set alight at once, causing a fire bright enough to illuminate the moon.

But there is a menacing aspect to Monaco too. It’s getting bigger. In the 1970s, land reclamation caused a new province, Fontveille, to rise from the sea like some kind of Soil Kraken, and another ward is scheduled to be reclaimed in 2014. I find this deeply disturbing. Monaco may not have an army, but if it keeps spreading like bacteria across the unwashed chopping board of life, it may not need one. One day we may wake up and see Monaco all around us, beneath us, pressing against our terrified faces.

When that day comes, let us pray the Lord smites Monaco for its presumption.

Dickclusion

Despite my desire to go all-out on this ludicrous little nation, I feel it wise to keep all five of my penises in reserve, for I may one day need them to beat off the encroaching horror of the Monaco Land Mass.

Vatican City

Oh, surely the Vatican can’t be pointless?

Most of the world sees the Vatican as the throbbing nexus of Catholicism; the place where all the big decisions are made about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, whether any more could fit on if they were naked, and how we can simulate this using real women. However, most of the world is WRONG.

To understand why, one must travel back to the mid 1800’s, when Italy was nothing more than a collection of city states. The largest and most powerful of these were the Papal States, which wielded great power and encompassed much of Italy, including Rome. However, in 1870, they were dissolved by King Victor Emmanuel II, who needed more space for his whiskers.

The weight of his hair has aged Victor’s face. At the time of this picture, he is four years old.

The Pope was kept a virtual prisoner for the next 60 years, until God sent an angel to grant him a country of his own. That angel was Benito Mussolini. Not only did he create the Vatican; he also gave it the Swiss Guard, the world’s smallest and gayest military force.

“So tell me, what’s a barfingly ridiculous freak like you doing in a place like this?”

Why it needs to gorge on glans

Because it doesn’t do anything. Almost all church business is actually conducted outside the Vatican: doctrine, coordination of bishops, missionary activities and international diplomacy are all handled by institutions scattered around Rome. The Vatican itself is just a place for the Pope to chill without fools getting all up in his grill.

At 0.7 square miles, Vatican City is smaller than Central Park. Fewer than 800 people live there, and all of them work for the church, so obviously the Vatican can’t have a real economy. It’s kept alive by the donations of Catholics all around the world, and by regular guest spots on Cribs.

And as for it being an island of godliness, not quite. The Vatican has the highest crime rate per head of population anywhere in the world. An unbelievable 87.2% of the population committed civil offences last year. Some might claim this was down to pickpockets targeting tourists, but others shiver at the recollection of pissed bishops fucking shit up on a Friday night.

How has it lasted so long?

The Pope remains the only absolute monarch in Europe, and while he hides behind his wall of solid Swiss gayness, there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

The Vatican does have a few cool things going for it, though. Its national bank, for example, has the only ATM in the world whose instructions are entirely in Latin. Also, it’s quite possible that within the walls of the Vatican is a device that can see through time, although it’s equally possible that the man who claims this is a bubbling insaniac.

Dickclusion

I’m sorry, but the Vatican is without a doubt the most pointless country in the world, and neither the Time-View-O-Scope nor the contingent of flamboyantly homosexual soldiers can save it from the full fury of all five of my dicks.

If you would like to read more informative yet wobblingly hilarious historical rants, I recommend Frosty Dog, the history blog by Cracked’s own Mr Gale. This man manages the difficult feat of knowing more than I do about history without being in any way superior to me whatsoever.

I just want to reiterate this point. I am better than Gale.

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