Progress Report: Tim Cameron And The Battle With Boredom
If you do not master your boredom… your boredom will master you.
And also you’ll be really bored.
Hello, and welcome to the July progress report.
It’s been two months since I started the blog, and three since I gave up games. It’s been suspiciously easy so far, other than a few days when I was quivering with desire to play Diablo 2 again, and this was my own stupid fault for writing two articles about it, back-to-back. However, now that I have a little perspective, I’m realising that quitting games removed one symptom of a deeper problem. And that problem is that I’m a lazy, bone-idle little cockbadger.
Faced with the terrifying prospect of Applying Myself, I’m feeling a strong desire to get addicted to something, anything, and it’s almost irrelevant what it is. Addiction for me is an easy escape from the dull attrition of everyday life, which is why I need to resist it at all costs, and why there’s a perverse sense of pleasure in being bored. It feels like a healthy boredom, if there is such a thing.
Probably not. The longer you stay bored, the less you want to do anything at all, until you start to depress yourself with your own lethargy. Last week, bereft of stimulation, I latched onto Futurama, and I have now watched the whole of series 1 and 5. In an effort to do anything whatsoever, I made it my project to learn how to mimic the voices of every character. So far I have managed two syllables, but what a pair of fucking syllables. If you meet me drunk in a bar and have the misfortune to mention Futurama to me, I will shout the words “….my whaaaa?” loudly in your ear for the next four hours. And you will be quietly impressed.
In order to do the impression correctly, I do of course have to be naked. Even in bars. Especially in bars.
I’m scared of what will happen when the Futurama runs out. Will the boredom overwhelm me? To avoid this terrifying eventuality, I’m preparing a list of alternative time-wasting pastimes so that I don’t find myself at a loose end. Christ forbid I might actually spend my time doing work. Here’s what I’ve got so far.
- Enjoy the crisp, refreshing taste of heroin
- Indulge in restrained pyromania
- Come crawling back to Galaga, despite the way that slut treated me
- Masturbate until a man could toast a marshmallow on my penis
Needs tweaking, admittedly. Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If none of those anti-boredom methods work, my game plan for next month is to hang surreptitiously around Diablo news websites while publicly proclaiming the fact that I’ve given up games for good. I am confident that if I say it loud enough, I will start believing it myself. My girlfriend Betty has been awesome throughout my cold turkey, offering constant support and good humour, so I plan on abusing this by placing all of the responsibility for my mental health on her shoulders and then blaming her if I fall off the wagon. This is an awesome technique which really endears me to people, and I’m sure it will bring us closer as a couple. I’ll let you know how it goes. I may include a handy Dumped-O-Meter to keep you apprised of exactly how dumped I am.
I’m praying I’ll have found a solution to the boredom problem by the time Diablo Fucking Three arrives next year. My attitude towards this game is scaring me a little, because I’m not even seriously considering the chance that I won’t play it. I really don’t know what I should do in the face of DF III, but the sensible answer seems to be to burn my computer and become a Hebridean hermit.
Whore
I don’t get much of a chance to whore out other people’s sites on this blog, so I’m going to take that opportunity now. If you haven’t checked out Fag To Go, Melancholic Goat’s blog, you really should, because it won’t be around for much longer. It’s a scary and hilarious account of his time as a pizza delivery monkey, and the weirdos he encounters are very memorable. He recently quit his job, so there won’t be many more updates. Check it out now before it’s gone.
Also, if you’ve ever been hooked on Oblivion, you will love Living In Oblivion. It’s a blog by the guy who made the excellent Half Life comic Concerned; this time, he’s playing through Oblivion as an NPC, which means no saving, terrible clothes and a diet consisting of carrots and horse plops. The blog is frequently hilarious, especially when he goes to ridiculous lengths to avoid the heroism and excitement that the game tries to force upon him.
Filed under: Addiction
Watch Family Guy, there are 6 series of that so far.
Watch Firefly. It was cancelled before the series was finished so knowing what happend next will start to gnaw at your very soul and you’ll forget all about your desire to play computer games.
Can’t think of anything else – brain dead. Bad day at work.
Im sure you’ve looked into traditional ways to spend your time productively, have you considered becoming batman?
I mean, you spend hours carving your batarangs and scouting out appropriate caves. You have to look into customising your car and most of your possessions with a batwing motif, start to track local crime (which means a subscription to a local paper to sort out and a scrapbook to be bought) and of course yet more time designing and creating an inspirational poster to go in your new HQ, I went with “remember, criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot” with a montage of kittens. Maybe looking through the obituaries for any acrobat families killed with one survivor, if thats your cup of tea.
I mean, like me, when it actually comes to being Batman you will probably find you cant really juggle it with working full time and it turns out however cowardly criminals are, the sight of a guy dressed as a giant bat just tends to make them want to kick your ass more and you will put the project on the backburner until you have time to move to china and learn how to kill dudes with your thumbs, but I still heartily reccomend it..
Aren’t you in a band, Timmy? I got no clue what you’re playing, but it could be done better, or?
There only are few thing better than playing music. After I gave up my relationship, it was the same thing … wait … I really was addicted to that girl, but first the were the games … addiction to games … then sex… then music. Addiction, addiction, addiction. Also I saw all 12 south park series in only 2 weeks.
And now, that batman thing from Mr Gale sounds quit cool. Entertain me, bitches, entertain me!
Gale, thanks for your excellent advice. I actually became Batman three times last year, as a potential solution for constipation, being bullied, and not liking racist hairdressers. Becoming the Dark Knight wasn’t a perfect answer to these problems (I still have to roar like a lion when I’m taking a shit) but it did give me a new-found appreciation for people who wear retarded costumes as part of their daily lives, such as McDonald’s workers and the Scots.
Funny you should mention that, but I’m currently working on a soundtrack for a short film a friend of mine is making, which is keeping my creative clock ticking over. I agree that music is the balm that soothes all wounds, provided you don’t have writer’s block, which is the most horrible thing in the world. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Unless I had two wishes. If I only had one, it would definitely be the rotating knives.
As you already have a girlfriend called Betty, it would be a doddle for you to go and change your name to Barney Rubble. Then you could go find a tall black haired man with a passion for tigerskin outfits and follow him round, laughing whenever he says something.
That could help pass the time a little.
I’m right there with you, Tim. I do the whole watching whole TV series thing, only my method has been to download them, and my broadband has a quarterly download limit. I inevitably go over my limit and have several weeks of slow internet when I can’t get any new TV and actually have to study with no crime shows blaring in the background, which makes me feel strangely… empty.
So, have you tried downloading crime shows?
Rotating knifes rock my world. I have a thight relationship with the thought of pushing people into a giant female robot with rotating knifes instead of tits. I think I saw that in one of the Leprechaun-movies.
But number one on my enemy-revenge-list must be:
Internet-absurdities to come reality.
This is a widespread formulation, wich leaves much room for thinking of the awesomity of it. Example:
Second-Life-People: I want to see them get attacked by some flying penises, hundreds. (This is a common thing in SL: http://www.google.de/search?q=second+life+penis+attack)
You know… stuff like that.
When I quite World of Warcraft, I went through the same thing. I suddenly came to the realization that I failed to develop (or rather, failed to continuing pursuing) any sort of hobbies. Took me a few painful months to get over it. I recommend reading and TV shows that you can obsess over (Venture Brothers is a great show to obsess over, if you can tolerate up to 2 years between new series).
As far as reading goes, I really enjoyed Max Brooks’ books on zombies (World War Z and The Zombie Survivor’s Guide). They’re bizarre enough to ease the transition from dorkville back into reality.
Thanks for the suggestions, guys. There is clearly a whole world of time-wasting media I haven’t sampled yet. Betty has raved about 30 Rock for ages, so I really should try that. Also there are a bajillion graphic novels that need to be read.
I’ve taken my first step into a larger, more non-interactive world.
You like graphic novels?
Try to check out Ledroit’s “Vampire Knight Requiem” (I think that’s the correct english title – orig.: Requiem Chevalier Vampire).
That’s electric-dynamite!!
Story is cool, thou not too niveauesque. If you open this book a warm and sticky juice of creativity pours out of it. If you have ever drawn, you go like “I – am – loser.” and if you ever had a creative absurd-sick idea H.R. Giger-style, you go like “Holy-shit-balls-HR-Giger-suck-my-mother-I-M-fucked”.
Love it!
This thing’s a fucking masterpiece!
Enjoy.
Graphic novels and comic books?
I highly recommend The Walking Dead, written by Robert Kirkman for Image Comics.
Coincidentally, I also highly recommend a comic called Invincible, by the same writer for the same publisher.
Look them up, but beware of spoilers, as the plots have many of twists.
Seriously, I’m sure you’ll love them.
re: Walking Dead -
IGN coverage: http://comics.ign.com/articles/618/618979p1.html
Hi I am mark and i am bored as fuck. I am sick of riding my bike. I am trying to find a job but it is hard in the recession. I am so bored I am losing my mind that I only look foward to sleeping, what a sad life.
You’re not alone. Firstly, sleeping is awesome. Secondly, I have a bike, and it spends most of its work time trying to kill me, so you’re doing well to stay away from them. Malevolent bastards.
Thirdly, boredom comes and goes. One day, you’ll find that it’s lifted from you, leaving you actually in the mood to do a little work. This is what happened to me last month. The important thing is to recognise when you have this little window of non-boredom, and jump in it. If you let it pass, you’ll slide back into the same rut.
The most important message here, though, is to watch that fucking bike. Watch it like a hawk.
I suggest you have sexual intercourse with your girlfriend, and try Marijuana. Smoking weed will make your laziness worse, but I digress.