If The Dark Knight had balls
Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight is the Batman film we’ve all been waiting for. It’s got everything. Well, almost. In this exclusive script excerpt, we show you what this film could have been like, if only it had grown some BALLS.
EXT. WAREHOUSE.
The countdown is at thirty seconds. THE JOKER holds the detonator, buffeted by the breeze.
Put it down. Now.
Hahah! What are you going to do, Batman? Kill me?
THE JOKER is teetering on the ledge.
Come on, morality boy! Kill me! It should be easy. After all, you’re used to it now. How did it feel, knowing Rachel died because of you? Oh, I know something you can’t even admit to yourself: it felt good, didn’t it. Because now you’ve crossed that line. The only barrier between you and the darkness is gone, and you’re not bound by those boring old rules of morality anymore. You’re free to do whatever you want. What do you want, Batman?
He moves to activate the detonator. With a snarl of anger, BATMAN rushes for him and pushes him off the ledge. THE JOKER falls twenty feet and lands with a sickening crunch. BATMAN stares down.
I want to do something I should have done a long time ago. To fucking kill you, you fag.
BATMAN swoops down to land beside THE JOKER, whose glassy eyes reflect the lights from the police helicopters. He coughs blood.
But before the end, I want to show you something. You once said the darkness was within us all. You didn’t know how right you were. Now you’re about to feel my darkness… on your face.
BATMAN stands over THE JOKER’S head and pushes a button on his wrist. A small VDU lights up with the message “TEABAG HATCH DEPLOYING”. Amid the whining of tiny servos, two doors at the bottom of BATMAN’S codpiece swing open, and his testicles emerge into the open air.
They are jet black.
Yes… yes… this is just what I want you to do… you are playing right into my hands…
Nice bluff, Joker. But it looks like the last laugh will be on your head. Along with my BALLS.
BATMAN squats lower. THE JOKER tries vainly to move, but his limbs are broken and useless. From his perspective, we see two huge, gleaming ebony orbs descend until they cover the entire screen with blackness. There is the sound of retching, growing ever fainter. Bats flit through the great scrotal abyss. Some seconds later, we see BATMAN stand up and slowly remove his balls from THE JOKER’S forehead.
He is dead.
There he is! What’s he… My God. AFTER HIM!
BATMAN swirls his cape around him and runs into the night, testicles flapping tumultuously.
Let him go. It’s too dangerous. I can’t risk the same thing happening to one of my men. Corrupt or otherwise, no man deserves to have two large balls placed upon his face.
Cut to BATMAN as he runs towards the camera in slow motion. Smoke billows out behind his cape. His balls are writhing around like two gerbils screwing in a sack.
This was the Joker’s plan all along. He knew he wouldn’t evade Batman forever. But he didn’t have to. All he had to do… was unleash his balls.
The Bat Symbol lights up the night sky. As we watch, it morphs into a giant silhouetted nutsack, illuminated from behind by rivulets of coruscating flame.
God help us all.
Crash zoom straight into the black centre of the testicles, then roll credits. Play out to Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine.
Because “Bulls” sounds like “Balls”.
END
Filed under: Blog-exclusive humour
Not only was this version far better than the actual cinema release; it was infinitely less morally reprehensible.
Thankyou, cam, for showing that we don’t need retarded amounts of mindless, psychotic violence to entertain us. We just need Batman’s balls.
Batman’s jet black testicles made me wonder about the other characters in this fine film, and what their love eggs look like.
I bet Commissioner Gordon’s balls have two tiny moustaches. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s scrotum sometimes looks shrivelled, like that of an old drunkard, yet it retains a non-standard je ne sais quoi that sets it apart from the nutsacks of the hoi polloi.
Balls! Lol.
That’s what she said!
And by “she”, I mean THE WOMAN WHO LAUGHED AT BALLS.
Coming soon to a theater near you. Rated PG-13 for scenes of balls.
OH MAN! Too bad that movie was more like a textbook on morals than a lesson in ass-kicking. Ebony orbs. priceless.
Reading the title, I thought you would go into a tirade on the weakness of Batman’s character in this film. How wrong was I. Of course you would take the more literal route.
I like to think that I leave it up to interpretation. Perhaps Batman possesses metaphorical nutsacks: one ball represents good, and the other evil, and they perpetually jostle in the great clammy jockstrap that we call life. Which testicle will ultimately give birth to Justice?
Who can know.
Hold up hold up. Your comment just gave me an idea.
What if Two-Face was to be renamed Two-Balls, with one testicle intact, hairless and of a glowing pink, while the other was like a hairy dried up fig?
Every time he wanted to decide the fate of a person, he’d stuff his hand down his pants, fumble around a bit, and pull one out his open zipper. Or something.
MAD GENIUS.
Holy shit!
I’M TWO-FACE!
“BATMAN swirls his cape around him and runs into the night, testicles flapping tumultuously.”
I misread that the first time and flipped “cape” and “testicles” around. Somehow, that made more sense.
You know, because Batman’s balls are massive? Yup.
It’s funny because “balls.”
Also, black testicles can be a portend for something even worse, like cancer. Batman should see a specialist.
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