..[Rollercoaster Rush online game]…..

I have floated out into space in Startopia, aware that my thriving space station is still behind me, and sought out the quiet places in Grand Theft Auto games, but this is on a far higher level.

Oh, believe me, you may have hidden the evidence well, but I have the nose of a sniffer dog. And when I’ve managed to get rid of it without alerting the RSPCA, I’ll be coming after you.

I found your site, read all the posts while on the clock and then… nothing.

You seemed to have disappeared the same day I found this site. Do you have any idea how many sleepness, tormented nights I have spent thinking I somehow internet-slayed you simply by reading all your posts in a single work shift?!

I think an apology is in order.

If you go to Blizzcon, you should totally dress up as an Amazon. It is the only time in your life when you will have justification for dressing as a woman.

I’m actually contemplating going to blizzcon, although I live on the other side of the world.

Anyways – thanks for remembering me

By the third month, you are sitting inside your own mouldering body, still clicking “refresh” with the tiny amount of poltergeistial potency available to you, silently moaning, moaning, moaning. Eventually, the neighbours report the smell, and the council kick the door in to find a scene of horriffic tragedy. The floor is strewn with poop, and worse, and the only thing moving is the computer screen, seemingly refreshing itself.

All the contents of the house are sold. The computer is bought at auction by a fat, sinister pervert who cannot understand why he suddenly feels so cold all the time, nor why his webpage keeps defaulting from http://www.preteensecrets.org to http://www.thesillyaddiction.com. Unable to tell anyone of the problem, he eventually hides the computer in his basement, where the starving Filipino boy he keeps as his slave languishes in misery.

Little Bayani hatches up on a plan to escape. The pervert does not suspect that he can operate a computer, but he has fatally underestimated his captive. There is one power socket in the basement, which powers the freezer. That night, when the man is sleeping, Bayani unplugs it and uses it to power up the computer. He thinks quickly. With the smatterings of broken English available to him, he must contact the police somehow, and inform them of his location. But what is this?! Every time he tries to access Google, the website defaults to The Silly Addiction! After hours of fruitless trying, Bayani gives up for the night. He curls up on his flea-ridden mattress and tries not to cry.

In the morning, he wakes shivering. It takes him a second to realise why, and then the horror creeps over him. Last night, in his haste, he forgot to plug the freezer back in! The cellar is flooded. The game is surely up. Before he can gather his thoughts, the door slams open, and the pervert descends. He sees the pool of water, and his ponderous yet cunning brain instantly divines what has happened. Not knowing that Bayani has failed, he believes himself a fugitive now. It can only be a matter of time until the police arrive. What now? To escape, or to make a stand here?

No, all is lost, and he might as well dispose of the miserable wretch before turning the knife upon himself. He rushes for Bayani, but slips on the sodden floor, landing badly. Bayani sees his chance. The freezer comes crashing down upon the pervert’s head. His body coursing with adrenaline, Bayani lifts it up and brings it down again, and again, until all struggling has stopped. The plucky kid flees, taking enough money from the pervert’s wallet to hail a cab and make it to the Filipino embassy. Two months later, he has a tearful reunion with his mother, who had long ago given him up for dead.

Once again, you find yourself alone with a corpse, endlessly clicking refresh, while the rats and maggots give their host a purity and a use denied to him in life. Will the torture never end? Will there never be a response?

In the sixth month, the computer is wiped and given to an old-people’s home. Already terribly frail, the poor geriatrics cannot stand the strain of your ghostly chill upon their bodies, and the effort of constantly navigating away from http://www.thesillyaddiction.com leaves them exhausted and confused. After a fortnight, you have been responsible for the deaths of nine people. The computer is clearly cursed, the survivors say. We should destroy it before it claims any more of us. You shudder with terror, your clicks rising to a fervent pace. What would happen to you, if the means of your salvation were taken away? You would surely linger on earth, in an endless limbo, never to be set free.

It is decided. The moment of doom has arrived. The old people approach, rude weapons of destruction in their wizened hands. Frantically you try to push them back, but you are not powerful enough. One blow lands upon the tower; another falls upon the keyboard, irreparably smashing the keys. The staff look the other way; let the old people have their fun. You are screaming, screaming, but no sound comes out.

Blow after blow descends as the ravening, red-eyed horde champ at their gums and howl animal taunts. The screen is flickering now, coughing and spluttering its last. But as it dies, and your hope dies with it, the unimaginable happens. Just for one brief moment, you see something new! A post with today’s date!

He has done it.

He has updated.

A tremendous rush of beatific euphoria overcomes you, and time slows down to nothing. The inhalers and the walking sticks are frozen in mid-descent. The new post is laid out before you, and with each word you read, a tiny part of you evaporates and disappears, until by the last sentence there is only a whisper; a vague notion of you left, floating up to endless rest. After all your hardship and torment, it is over. You are free.

Also, the post totally made you LOL.

Great job!

Jesus, now I’m terrified to leave the house!