Release date: Out Now

Formats: PC, PS3, XBOX 360

Price: £23.99

UK, June 26^th 2009 – God, I love power. It gives me a fat, densely-veined horn. I would piss all over my grandmother if she saluted me in return.

If you’ve ever wanted to hear these words spoken by Hannah Montana, you should buy this game immediately.

Let’s start with a little History. The first American towns were remote islands in a vast sea of wheat, held together by the oppression of their Puritan faith. The Community was all; neighbour told tale on neighbour, and all backs were bowed under the crushing weight of Dogma. With the modern age came the veneer of civilisation, but under the surface of every provincial American town lurks the spectre of fundamentalism; the seed of something great, and dark, and ugly.

This time, the seed has found fruitful soil and grown. It has grown into Hannah Montana.

Child’s Play

In this inspirational kids’ game, based on the 2009 movie by Darren Aronofsky, you play a young and dead-eyed religious fanatic whose dream is to rise from simple Southern schoolgirl to the religious Messiah of her entire town. Along the way you’ll learn important lessons about friends, responsibility, and practical mass suicide techniques.

So come on come on / Point out the unbeliever / Reveal his sin unto the Lord / And let him be purified by fire this day

HM: TM plays like Grand Theft Auto crossed with The Waltons. As you roam, sandbox-style, around your small town (controlled via a sometimes clunky third-person camera), your job is to win over the other inhabitants to your faith with fun song-and-dance routines, coupled with physical violence and the threat of eternal damnation.

Each follower brings revenue, and greater numbers allow you to hire out successively larger venues for your performances. You’ll go from Lord-themed disco all the way up to football stadium, and then who knows… maybe you’ll even take your fans to Heaven itself.

Montana paces her home, deep in thought. Her step-parents have been instructed never to look her in the face.

You Know… For Kids

Although the game features scenes of religious hatred on a huge scale, the designers are ever aware that it’s aimed at a younger audience. For this reason, God is represented by an alpaca.

Father Alpaca, benevolent Lord… and regretful Punisher.

Father Alpaca is also your in-game guide, giving you mission objectives and letting you know when you’re falling short of His Holy Ideal.

Father Alpaca looks on. “Why must I be so hard on myself”, Hannah asks of him. “Because you are dirty, child; dirty in the eyes of the Alpaca.”

This Little Piggy Runs A Book Shop

God is always guiding Hannah, using visions to show her the true way to righteousness. In the game, this is done via the AlpacaCam. It acts as an extra vision mode, activated by the Q key (PC), which allows you to see people the way Montana sees them: as ignorant animals who must be herded… or eaten.

Annie the Grocer is an emu because she hides her head in the sand; she will be easy to control. Her husband Elmore is a pig. He is a man, and filthy, and good only for the slaughter.

This mechanic is a magical way to show children how to break other people down into simple, easily definable stereotypes. That way, they will know whose arguments to ignore in real life.

When persuading new followers, you must select the most appropriate brainwashing method depending on what kind of animal they are. The AlpacaCam gives valuable clues here.

With A Little Help From My Cousins

Words are one thing, but before your commune can really take off, you also need to make sure you can maintain discipline. First, you must select your Cousins. These will be your closest followers and the harbingers of your will, ready to die – and kill – for you. This mechanic is vaguely similar to Black & White, in that you reward the Cousins for appropriate behaviour, and punish them for bad. Spend too little time refining their will to hurt, and they may get soft on you later, costing you valuable prestige, and even allowing usurpers to take your place.

“Show me how you’d do it, Caleb. Show me how you’d twist her head right off. You’re a good boy, Caleb.”

The best way to train your Cousins is to start them slow, on defenceless targets, such as women. Do it right, and no more than a few beatings will be necessary.

Montana takes her two new Cousins on a milk run. This time it’s just talking, but later in the game you can unlock blunt instruments, water boards and Medieval Inquisition relics in order to ensure maximum fealty.

This section of the game is maddeningly addictive, and I often found myself returning to the same victims because they were just so much fun to play through.

The errant emu has now been returned to the flock. If she knows what’s good for her, she will surrender a daily tithe of melons for the glory of the Alpaca.

Sometimes you actually get to control the Cousins directly, in a variety of fun torture-based mini-games which never get boring.

In “Baptism Pool”, you must hold dissenters’ heads under the water until they admit the Truth into their hearts. If a victim drowns, you lose points, and the frogs (your followers) laugh at you. Laughing, always laughing, just like the other kids in your class. Before you showed them.

A Staged Epiphany

But the main focus of the game is the concert. Dressed in a lurid blonde wig designed to appeal to the lowest Aryan denominator (there are no black people in the game, possibly to save on hard-drive space), your task is to lead your followers, or “Alpacolytes”, in song. Depending on your needs, you can choose a song that increases Fervour, leading to new followers, or Hate, useful when there are dissenters in your flock who must be weeded out.

Hateful lyrics are represented by the yellow button, Fervent ones by the blue. At higher detail settings, you can actually make out the froth collecting around your fans’ mouths as they chant your insipid drivel back at you.

“Without the shades and the hair / we are all babies, smooth and pure / so shave the heretic, strip him of clothes / and welcome him, screaming, born again /  from the womb of bloody suffering”

A skillful player will combine Hate and Fervour to create terrified fanatics completely immune to logic, but this takes patience to perfect. On Easy difficulty, you can speed up the process by burning down the town library.

Montana teaches her followers the ways of AlpacaBaiting, the confrontational techniques used to subdue enemies.

We’ve Created A Montana

Let’s forget gameplay for a minute: everyone knows that a game lives or dies purely on its story, and you’ll be glad to know that HM: TM has one of the best.

The game draws heavily on the movie’s dark themes, giving them a cute fluffy twist to delight young children. In a series of animated cut-scenes, you learn that Montana’s parents home-schooled her, using a self-made curriculum of Creationist pamphlets and regular beatings. Montana didn’t need their hugs, anyway; she had her stuffed animals, and she had The Lord. At her first Bible meeting, as Montana stood before the wide-eyed faces and sang ditties of Hellfire, she tasted power, and knew that it was sweet.

Without school to hold her back, the little girl grew up prodigiously fast, unfettered by the lies of literature and Liberalism. She was a prodigy. But she could never be good enough for her parents. Never never never. What did happen to them, anyway?

A secret door in Montanas’s apartment hides her Toys from view. In the boxes are the mummified remains of her parents, and various of their trinkets that Montana cries over when she is alone.

What I love most about the story is the sense of pathos for Montana herself. Underneath the frozen exterior, you are simply scared; scared of the weakness inside you. To overcome weakness, you know that it is necessary to make hard decisions. Sometimes those decisions will be unpopular, and people will not understand. Well, child, you must harden your heart. This is the will of the Alpaca; he has told you in your brain.

Montana rides out. Alone, she is vulnerable. It is a time to cry, and to rail at the inner voices that so jeer and mock. But you must bury your demons deep down. Dissolve their faces in quicklime if necessary.

Endgame

If Hannah cannot find peace, then surely no one else can. Not on this earth, anyway. Montana’s ultimate aim, therefore,  is the most glorious mass suicide the world has ever known. The Rapture. It requires 100,000 followers and a whole lotta nerve gas, so you should expect a good 20 hours of play before you’re ready to crack open the kegs and inhale the acrid scent of victory.

See how the audience cheer, but their faces are blank; soulless. They are now utterly within Montana’s thrall. You currently have 8750 followers and 4 canisters of nerve gas; not quite ready for the Rapture. Keep singin’!

I’ve played to the end, and let me tell you: seeing all those twitching bodies and knowing that you’re responsible is a wonderful feeling, and something that kids everywhere should share.

Multiplayer

There are two multiplayer modes. The first is Band Of Cousins, a Guitar Hero-style playathon in which you and three friends make up Hannah Montana’s backing band. Fail to keep up the Fervour levels, and the other players are given permission to set upon you with their instruments. This is particularly effective with The Wiimote, as each swing is accompanied by appropriate splats and crunches.

If all the Cousins screw up at once, Montana’s “plan” reveals itself in an in-engine cut-scene that frankly should have merited an 18+ rating.

The second and more ambitious multiplayer mode is Siege Of Alpacolyte Farm, an online team game for up to 32 players. One team is led by Hannah, the other by the SWAT leader sent to take her and her sick little coven down. But this is no Counterstrike. As the Alpacolytes, you must find a way to kill all of your own side before the SWAT team can capture anyone alive. You are given a strictly limited number of bullets; enough to fend off the SWATs, if you use them judiciously, but not enough to finish every one of your followers. You must be creative and quick-witted if you want to send them all to the Alpaca before the game is up.

Fire and physics are your friends here.

The SWAT team are just outside the barn. Everyone is indeed waiting in Heaven for the final few followers. But how will you get rid of them? Perhaps the cows can help…

Verdict

Hannah Montana: The Movie is not without its flaws. The Religious Education mini-games are fun, but nothing we haven’t seen in Postal 2, and it does get frustrating having to micro-manage every single beating; some kind of RTS-style automation would have helped here.

Nevertheless, HM:TM is a fun and inspiring story of what one young American is capable of if she puts her mind to it. I love the central message that no matter how stupid you are; no matter how backwards or ill-educated, the power is within you to change the world profoundly for the worse. And that’s a great feeling.

The blurb on the back of the box says it best, really:

“Imagine, if you will, a boot stamping upon a human face forever. Now imagine that you are doing the stamping, and that the boot is pink and covered with kittens.

Welcome, friend. Welcome to the world of Hannah Montana.”

“Let our voice come out from under / and our holy knives shine in the daylight / they will learn to fear us / oh yea, surely they will tremble before the end.”

DUBIOUS REVIEW SCORE: 82%

Here is the official press release from Sierra:

Simpsons Versus Predator is a next-gen squad combat game featuring revolutionary 5-way gameplay. In this blistering blend of action and strategy, you command Homer and his squadmates as they take the fight to the Predators’ homeworld. Can this whimsically dysfunctional family defeat the entire Yautja race despite being two-dimensional animated characters with no knowledge of weapons or battle tactics? That… is down to you.

You’d have to be a complete retard not to be excited about this game. It brings together the two greatest groups of characters in the history of fiction: The Yautja, proud hunters from the planet Kjjjrlkjjekkulon 4, who live to kill and kill to live; and the Simpsons, an animated family who are primarily yellow.

Together at last.

Sierra have whetted our appetites with this tantalising excerpt from the novelette included with the game.

———————————————————

Homer crept grimly through the bowels of the Z’krkkakak-class Space Destroyer. Sweat poured from his pallid yellow face and splashed on the bizarre, stupid-looking floor. His family crawled through the darkness behind him, terror haunting their simple, clearly delineated forms. Homer stared skittishly at the shadows that rippled in the haze. Down here in the engine tubes, the heat was so intense that the Yautja’s thermo-vision would be useless. That was what Lisa had assured, and during the terror of the past month, he had learned to trust her judgment. She had saved their asses countless times.

The saber rifle felt alien in his hands. This was because it was an alien weapon, but also because Homer was unused to the world of mortal gunplay. Only a month ago he had been reclining on his sofa, sinking the sixth Duff of the evening, and musing contentedly on how unlikely it was that Springfield would ever be invaded by a race of murderous aliens with faces like sad vaginas. How wrong he had been. How very, very incorrect.

It began the night Milhouse never returned home. Twelve hours later, Santa’s Little Helper was found inside-out, and six hours after that, stuff started blowing up. It was the hottest summer Springfield had ever known. And soon it would become the bloodiest. Everyone knew the legends of the hunters who came during the hottest times, but this was different. This time, they were bent on annihilating every last man, woman, child and family pet, and then selling their heads as novelty ashtrays for the Yautja hoi polloi back home. Shelbyville fell in less than two days, the horrendous sounds of slaughter audible across the plains. Everyone knew that Springfield was next.

And then they came.

In the grim reality of alien invasion, the structure of government quickly broke down, and martial law was the only way to keep order. Barney Gumble took a bullet after being caught looting Moe’s Tavern; his body was hung from the statue of Jebediah Springfield for the sport of the crows. And still the killing continued. These enemies were invisible, deadly, and in no mood to negotiate. After a gory pitched battle in which nine thousand people were exploded by lasers, the terrified remains of the population gathered in Springfield Elementary, where a bitter power struggle ensued between the two prominent factions, one led by Kent Brockman, and the other by Ned Flanders. Skinner was long gone; he had been harpooned to death while trying to defend his mother by firing a Luger indiscriminately into the sky.

Finally Flanders gained the upper hand after a dazzlingly bloody coup. In an effort to assert his dominance, his first act was to tie up the Simpsons and thrust them into the street as human sacrifices to appease the Gods from space. They were captured and kept alive, evidently intended as curiosities to be toyed with by the Yautja elite; but something went wrong somehow, and for some reason they were now free and creeping around the lower decks of the mothership, with revenge in their hearts and bizarre alien weapons in their hands. Even Maggie’s.

It was a really small gun.

———————————————————

I don’t know about you, but I am so excited about this game that I just ejaculated my pelvis. However, I do have some reservations. I’m hoping the designers will keep the story true to the Simpsons universe and not ruin it with a load of off-character dialogue, like they did in recent seasons of the TV show. It’s the character-based humour that people love, not the surreal and zany situations that seem to plague the latest crop of episodes. With this in mind, I’m hoping SvP will smoothly marry the original thoughtful humour of the first four seasons with the pulse-pounding action setpieces and astonishing sci-fi violence that we expect from the Predator universe.

Some released footage does attest to the game’s faithfulness. Each member of the Simpsons has their own special ability which can help in the fight against the Yautja, and these are nicely plausible: Homer throws nuclear donuts, Bart can slow down time with his special Skatewarp skill, and Maggie’s pacifier acts as a subspace transceiver, allowing the team to receive mission updates direct from the president. However, other news is a cause for concern: apparently the Predators are slightly shorter than in the films. This is obviously a serious problem, and I only hope that the developers will listen to the inevitable fan outcry and do the right thing.

Speaking of the fans, it is not too late for you to have your say in how you think this game should be developed. What, in your opinion, does this game need to contain in order to be a classic? If we all join our voices in complaint, surely Sierra will listen.

Dubious Reviews will of course keep you updated about every stage of this game’s development.

And with that, he stormed out.

Tim hung his head despondently. How could he possibly review a game he knew nothing about? All he had was this bunch of screenshots…

…hmmm. It was utterly retarded, but it might just work.

Metal Gear Solid 4
PS3
£39.99

This is the one we’ve all been waiting for, and you can breathe easy – it’s an absolute severed cock of a game!

The Story

“In the first Metal Gear Solid, he fought the Communists. In the sequel, he fought a race of alien frogs. In part 3, he battled a sentient cybernetic penis, hell-bent on the destruction of the Earth. In the fourth and final episode, his only enemy… is himself.“

If you’ve played the previous Metal Gear games, you’ll be familiar with their blend of action and harrowing psychological drama, and MGS4 continues in the same style. You play Ian Solid, ex-marine turned mercenary, who suffered the tragic loss of his penis and testicles in the Battle of Spastic Gulch. His mind never recovered. In 2032 the government issued him with a set of cybernetic junk (hence his nickname, “Metal Gear” Solid) which worked well until it gained sentience and turned against him in MGS3.

In the stirring intro, Solid lays a thousand flowers at the grave of The Unknown Scrotum.

Ten years later, and Solid is sinking into a slough of drug and alcohol addiction, unable to face life as an emasculated shell of a man. His enemies from previous games are long gone, yet a new mysterious force seems to be assembling at the corners of his vision. Dark, bio-mechanoid creatures stalk the streets, and no one seems to notice or care. Solid realises his time has come again, and decides to end this new threat – with or without the help of his team.

“Dammit Solid, I know what you’re going through. Look at me – you think it’s easy being addicted to wet cigarettes”?

Gameplay

The game is split into two distinct halves. In the first, you control Solid as he battles The Garbage Men, a force intent on turning the whole world brown, city by city. The other half of the game centres on Solid’s old team The Patriots, whose job it is to follow their hallucinating leader around the streets and try to stop him from harming himself or others.

A Garbage Man attacks. Solid’s alcohol-induced hallucinations are both tragic and hilarious.

The gameplay is spiced up by the Happiness Meter, a feature on your HUD that reflects Solid’s mental state. Suicide (and the end of the game) becomes a danger if you don’t keep it above zero. You can do this by killing imagined enemies, scoring alcohol and drugs, or by touching a man’s junk.

“You’ll get your money soon. Just… just let me hold it a minute longer.”

Tough decisions

The other half of the game is played from the perspective of Solid’s team-mates, and this is where the MGS series’ skill for mature and thoughtful characterisation shines. As Dr Elena Sexboobs, you are battling a demon of your own: you love Ian, but he is not the man he once was. Do you have him committed to a nice safe home for gibbering brainmentals, or do you stay by his side and try to guide him back to sanity, knowing that he can never fulfill you as a woman? It’s a choice you, the gamer, will have to make.

In this quicktime event, Elena must play convincingly with Solid’s imaginary child. Miss a skip, and Ian will become enraged.

Your tasks

Ian Solid’s tasks change depending on his level of inebriation. When sober, your main goal is to obtain enough money for alcohol or drugs. You can do this by begging, mugging, or renting your body to the city’s many procedurally generated sailors.

The green squares denote people whom Solid has already hit up for cash.

Once you are happily enmeshed in a narcotic haze, the hallucinations begin. This is the combat section of the game, and it can often grow frustrating as your enemies morph and teleport at will, skittering at the edges of the screen in a way that is simultaneously creepy and deeply annoying. If an enemy “kills” you, Solid dies for real. This is explained by a short cutscene showing Solid choking on his own vomit, his pants encrusted with the shame of his passing.

Worried that he might try to harm himself, Elena replaces Solid’s gun with one that shoots steam.

Another ever-present danger is that Solid will give into depression and attempt to kill himself. As Elena, your job is to command The Patriots to ensure Solid is kept as far away as possible from harmful objects, and that he is only allowed to see and hear happy things.

Elena’s worries are proved valid as Solid attempts to mow down a child. Her pocket money would have bought Scotch.

As Solid, you are given the aforementioned Happiness Meter, which you must keep above zero in order to prevent death. There’s another level of danger, however: fall below 30% and you suffer a Bad Trip, which is extremely disconcerting the first time you see it, unless you’re used to the storm drains in your town disgorging thousands of spider-legged breasts with human mouths.

Shooting an enemy’s crotch temporarily raises Solid’s Happiness Meter.

You are also given tasks to perform in order to foil the plans of The Garbage Men. These tasks are often highly illogical, in keeping with Solid’s sad mental state, and they carry with them a heavy irony: fail the tasks and your happiness meter falls to dangerous levels. Complete them, and you descend deeper into your tragic delirium.

 

Drunk again, Solid’s current mission is to throw up on a man before he falls unconscious.

Graphics

In Solid’s fevered mind, the army of Garbage Men plan to cover the entire world in a layer of powdered excrement. In keeping with this, the game is almost entirely brown, which can get boring after a while. However, the drab environments are more than made up for by Solid’s enemies: play as Elena, and you see everyday objects or creatures, but switch to Solid, and suddenly they morph into twisted monsters from his darkest nightmares.

This is actually a cocker spaniel.

A tangled web of dazzling cleverness

The genius of the game shows itself after you have completed both campaigns and can see the way in which they interlock. For example, in Mission 3, Solid’s goal is to destroy a coven of Garbage Vampires by sprinkling them with special consecrated dust. You only discover later that the dust is merely some sugar given to Solid by Elena, and the vampires are actually cakes.

The man on the left is a cherry-flavoured fondant fancy.

What I love most about MGS4, however, is the poignancy of Solid’s story. Hanging over every moment is the spectre of a huge severed penis; a penis which Solid must one day confront. Depending on your actions as Elena, the game may end in two different ways, but both conclusions are laced with tragedy. Solid must either face the terrifying reality of his barren crotch, or slide ever deeper into madness. Either way, Elena’s loins remain unpenetrated by the man she once loved so dearly. You don’t get that kind of shit in Quake.

“I’ve got you now, you sons of bit- FUCKING STEAM GUN!”

Conclusion

I have never cried while playing a game. Not until MGS4, that is. At the end of this game, I am not ashamed to say that I fell to my knees and wept; I wept for myself, for my penis, and for my planet.

I would award this title 95% were it merely a game, but MGS4 is more than that. It is a beautiful metaphor for the tragic emasculation of humanity in today’s cold, modern age. This game has the courage to stand up and say: The Garbage Men are real, and they are within us all.

This surely merits at least another 9%, don’t you think?

DUBIOUS REVIEW SCORE: 104%

So you’ve given up gaming. Trouble is, you write for a damn gaming site, and you’re obligated to provide people with reviews. What a pickle.

But hold on! You’re a clever fellow, and modern games are pretty self-explanatory. Surely you can work out the plot of a game by looking at the screenshots, take educated guesses at the rest, and end up with something pretty close to the mark, right?

How hard can it be?

Out now for PS3

Price: £49.99

I’ve been going crazy for Haze ever since it was announced at E3 ‘06, and after playing through the game twice, I’m happy to say that it left me buzzing for more. Buzzing like a bee.

The year is 2097. Earth has been invaded by The Bee People, a vicious race of insectoid aliens whose aim is to steal all of the world’s flowers and take them back to space. Only one man can stop them. You.

Supported by the entire U.S. army.

Humans can get trapped in the sticky tendrils of the BeeCopter and eaten alive.

You play Brandon Keeper, a hard-assed colonel in the Marines who cares so much about protecting his country that it has made him entirely bald.

Price I’m willing to pay, Koslowski. A man as busy as me doesn’t have TIME for hair.

Your arch enemy is a Bee Person known only as Skincube.

They seek him here, they seek him there… that damned elusive Skincube.

The game begins with a flashback: six year earlier, the Bee People bioengineered one of their minions to resemble a human, taught him rudimentary politics, and had him elected President of America. Years passed. When people found out that President Harold J. Skincube was actually a bee, it was too late. They were already among us.

According to writer Ian Flossburger, the story of Haze contains several subtle layers of allegory. “It’s actually all about Commies”, he says. “Bees are just like your standard Communist. They have no respect for life, they’re all ‘drones’ to the ‘queen’ of their ideology, and they produce really shit cars”.

No fire without smoke

Luckily for humanity, the Bee People have one fatal weakness: smoke. It makes them so drowsy that they immediately stop what they’re doing and fall asleep like idiots.

No! Not smoke! Anything but… Smooooooooooke!

Realising that smoking the bees for long enough will make them all starve to death, the U.S. army formulates a daring plan to cover the entire world in smoke. By setting it on fire.

Gameplay

As Keeper, your mission is to blow up absolutely everything in the world that can be blown up, and then set everything else on fire. You have the full arsenal of the U.S. military at your disposal, which leads to some pretty awesome set-pieces as you and your squad-mates rain napalm down on third-world villages and drop ground-burst nuclear weapons on every city in the world in alphabetical order, all the while fighting off the evil Bee People, who will do anything to stop you – even kill you.

After successfully smoking a Bee base, Keeper lets off steam by firing at civilians.

Oh Christ, I’ve completely forgotten what I’m supposed to be doing! Better shoot at this cliff!

Also, we weren’t too enamoured of the game’s new “OnomatoPLAYER” system. As you can see in the screenshot below, every weapon hit is accompanied by a written “BAM” or “THUMP” in the corner of the screen, which is supposed to increase the emotional impact of the violence. This may be useful for deaf players or people who enjoy reading, but for the rest of us, these “helpful” words just come across as a little childish.

Come on, we’re all seasoned gamers here. We know what a guy’s crotch sounds like when you shoot it with a minigun. Seriously, guys, grow up a little.

A sting in the tail?

One of the most original parts of the game is when you are force-fed Royal CyberJelly by President Skincube in an effort to turn you against your own side. Instead, the plan backfires, and you gain special Bee Person powers – including the ability to fly.

Keeper hovers over an Indonesian medical complex, minigun in hand. Because of the Geneva Convention, you are only allowed to set fire to the hospital when all the patients are dead.

Multiplayer

The standard team vs. team game is called Butt Tag, and it’s pretty awesome. When a Bee player stings a human in mêlée combat, his anus detaches and remains stuck to the human’s body for the rest of the game. The aim is for the Bee side to sting every member of the human side at least once, but there’s no limit to the number of times you can sting an individual player. It can get pretty hilarious seeing a guy trying to hide behind a shrub when he’s covered from head to toe in asses.

This player remains anus-free… but for how long?

Conclusion

A.I. issues aside, Haze is an excellent title with some truly innovative gameplay, and a classic story that reverberates through the ages. If you’ve ever stepped outside your house on a starry night, stared up at the stars and dreamed of our planet being invaded by a vicious race of alien bees, this game is definitely for you.

And even if you haven’t, you certainly will soon!

OH NO! WHAT’S THAT BEE-HIND YOU!

Hehehe. Just kidding.

Dubious Review SCORE: 89%

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